Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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