I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
