he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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