Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
