I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
