I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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