got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
pop tarts are not kleenex
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
