he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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