if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
