Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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