His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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