life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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