How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
