My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
