this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
