take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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