you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
