I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
