I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
