Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I have fence marks all over my body
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
