So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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