I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
