Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
