I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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