she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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