I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
