So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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