Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
