I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
