i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
