so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
