"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
