just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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