I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
