so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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