Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
