I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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