So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
