hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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