whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
