Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
