if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
