Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just invented taco cereal.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
