2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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