This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
