i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
