I think my fart just growled at me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize