plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
