Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
