did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
