He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
