How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
