mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
