Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
