So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
