It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
