my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
