Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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