Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
