I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
