I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
