I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My vagina is officially offended.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
