I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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