Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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