the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
