I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Come on in and take your pants off
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