Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize