From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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