Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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