I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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