Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
