zippers are such a cool invention
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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