There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
