he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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