Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
