More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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