I seem to have left my pride at pride
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
