I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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