My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
